Ok, so it didn’t happen quite like this.
However, I am currently buzzed right now from two glasses of wine. Barefoot Moscato. Pink. It’s delicious and did its work quite fast. Faster than I expected. Because I feel almost fantastic, and this week has been emotionally terrible and somewhat emotionally stunting and numbing.
But I digress. This post is about asking the real question: Why did my therapist (actually, a few mental health professionals I saw when I was in my turbulent suicidal ideation pit last year) recommend taking certain SSRI medication, and advised AGAINST alcohol, which I found to be a good coping mechanism?
This blog doesn’t get into the deep nitty gritty of how much I wanted to end my life last year. It skims the surface as far as I’m concerned.
I sought help. The mental health professionals I saw recommended CBT and SSRI medication. I told a couple of therapists that I did seem to feel a bit better in stressful and social situations with alcohol. Obviously, I didn’t want to drink at work before I thought it would make the situation I was in worst. Or, that I would inadvertently reveal I was under the influence and it would lead to dismissal. But, I didn’t want to take the SSRI drugs they recommended because, for me, the cons (brain zap, inability to stop the medication immediately if I wanted to, side effects) outweighed the pros for me.
You know what they said when I mentioned the alcohol? Almost verbatim “You don’t want to do that, because then you’re using a substance.” Um, what are the SSRI pills you’re throwing at me that I’m afraid of? “Everybody feels a bit better with alcohol” Then, what’s the problem?
Ultimately, I chose to quit my job instead of doing what I was seriously considering: Taking a couple of shots before work to deal with the people and management that were contributing to my depression, thoughts of self-worth, and suicidal ideation.
But now that I’m buzzed and feeling good with just two glasses of moscato, I’m wondering if I should’ve just starting taking the edge off when I was going into work everyday last year.
To put things in perspective, today was emotionally terrible until I just happened to pour a glass for myself. I could still be pulling in my salary!
Overall, I chose not to take the SSRI pills because I was simply too afraid of the side effects and potential dependency. I also chose not to use a shot or two to take the edge off of work last year. Now, I’m wondering if I took too much stock into both of therapists discouragement of such action, and if I would’ve been better off had I just had a glass of wine before every workday last year.
It’s a regret, yes. But again, I’m feeling almost fantastic from this moscato right now.