Therapist said don’t use alcohol, but threw some pills at me. Why?

Ok, so it didn’t happen quite like this.

However, I am currently buzzed right now from two glasses of wine. Barefoot Moscato. Pink. It’s delicious and did its work quite fast. Faster than I expected. Because I feel almost fantastic, and this week has been emotionally terrible and somewhat emotionally stunting and numbing.

Today was emotionally empty and I felt lost. But some moscato really helped me feel better about life.

But I digress. This post is about asking the real question: Why did my therapist (actually, a few mental health professionals I saw when I was in my turbulent suicidal ideation pit last year) recommend taking certain SSRI medication, and advised AGAINST alcohol, which I found to be a good coping mechanism?

This blog doesn’t get into the deep nitty gritty of how much I wanted to end my life last year. It skims the surface as far as I’m concerned.

I sought help. The mental health professionals I saw recommended CBT and SSRI medication. I told a couple of therapists that I did seem to feel a bit better in stressful and social situations with alcohol. Obviously, I didn’t want to drink at work before I thought it would make the situation I was in worst. Or, that I would inadvertently reveal I was under the influence and it would lead to dismissal. But, I didn’t want to take the SSRI drugs they recommended because, for me, the cons (brain zap, inability to stop the medication immediately if I wanted to, side effects) outweighed the pros for me.

You know what they said when I mentioned the alcohol? Almost verbatim “You don’t want to do that, because then you’re using a substance.” Um, what are the SSRI pills you’re throwing at me that I’m afraid of? “Everybody feels a bit better with alcohol” Then, what’s the problem?

Ultimately, I chose to quit my job instead of doing what I was seriously considering: Taking a couple of shots before work to deal with the people and management that were contributing to my depression, thoughts of self-worth, and suicidal ideation.

But now that I’m buzzed and feeling good with just two glasses of moscato, I’m wondering if I should’ve just starting taking the edge off when I was going into work everyday last year.

To put things in perspective, today was emotionally terrible until I just happened to pour a glass for myself. I could still be pulling in my salary!

Overall, I chose not to take the SSRI pills because I was simply too afraid of the side effects and potential dependency. I also chose not to use a shot or two to take the edge off of work last year. Now, I’m wondering if I took too much stock into both of therapists discouragement of such action, and if I would’ve been better off had I just had a glass of wine before every workday last year.

It’s a regret, yes. But again, I’m feeling almost fantastic from this moscato right now.

 

 

Marriage Woes: My husband doesn’t want much more out of life.

My husband is a wonderful human being and I’m glad we’re together. Loving and considerate don’t even begin to describe him. No one can make me laugh or feel safe the way that he does.

That being said, I’m beginning to fear that we have a very boring, uninteresting, and “play it safe” life ahead of us. To the point that I’ll regret marrying him and making decisions of the union in my 60’s.

Reason: My husband doesn’t want to do anything, live life spontaneously, or expand/use his social network.

There are a couple of recent examples, all revolving the holidays.

Example 1: Not wanting to engage/expand/build his social network.

I wanted to have a Halloween get-together at our house. We never have guests or parties, and I really was in the spirit. Especially since he’s not into haunted houses, and I had gone to a couple. One with him.

When I wanted to invite people, he began to come up with reasons why people wouldn’t show up. “They have to work,” “It’s too late notice”, “I don’t know who to invite.

Fine. So I suggested, in October, that we may plans for a Christmas party at our house. He kept making excuses to not invite people, saying my network was bigger, his family had to work, etc.

So I ended up inviting a majority of the guests. To be fair, he did quite a bit of cooking, cleaning, and decorating for the party.

When there was an opportunity to go to a holiday party with people our age in related professions, he didn’t want to go. He finds networking cringeworthy and unnatural. To be fair, it is, but how else are we going to expand our network? I don’t want to die a couple of recluse hermits. He doesn’t want to talk to people ALREADY in his network.

Why this is an issue:  I don’t have that big of a network, I’m afraid of rejection, and knew some would cancel the day of. I feel like I had to shoulder all that by myself, but hoped we could work together to ensure a large number of guests would come.

Example 2: Always a reason not to do something.

Because it’s Christmas break, he has a lot of time off work. I happened to find that there were very cheap tix to Europe and Iceland, and mentioned maybe we could do that since we have no plans.

Automatically it was a million reasons why this wasn’t feasible. “We’d need to put out dog in boarding”, “I need to get used to the idea”, “I don’t know what to do in Iceland”.

Why this is an issue: Boarding a dog is relatively easy, and we’re young enough that we don’t have many issues preventing us from being spontaneous. I don’t see that as an obstacle. What’s going to happen when we have kids? There’s ALWAYS going to be a reason why we can’t do something and live life. I have family members and friends who cannot do anything aside from a random funeral and wedding because they have to figure out what to do with their kids. We’re free from kids, have lots of time and few major financial obligations. If we’re not living life now, what chance so we have together later in life?

Example 3: He has few interests other than watching TV, sleeping, and playing video games.

I hate TV, but like video games. I like naps, but don’t want to sleep my life away. He’s content sleeping as much as possible, watching TV, and playing lots of video games.

He has a long winter break, and doesn’t seem to want to do anything other than these three activities. He doesn’t want to maximize his time being alive doing anything other that sitting around.

When we do go somewhere, I’m concerned he’s not having fun.

Why this is an issue: I hate not being with my husband, so we end up doing activities together. So many of those activities revolve around being sedentary.

How I’m dealing with this

• • Support from others. I found out that I’m not the only wife that has run into this. I found forum after forum and questions about this on the web that at least help me feel in good company. Such as here, here, here, and here.
  • Planning fierce social independence. I’m going to start doing more networking and travel by myself, because my life is way too short to not do these things.
  • Stop suggesting so many couple activities. He begrudgingly agrees to most, but rarely has any suggestions.

 

Remember WE vs Me.

Our marital union doesn’t have to completely reflect all the desires from myself and what I want for my life. What I want for my life doesn’t have to reflect what WE do. We’re together because we love each other, and we make compromises and support each other. Maybe we’ve grown codependent.

As I said, my husband is loving and compassionate, and wonderful. But I don’t have to waste my life just because I’m married. I can travel, I can do many things independent of him while still emotionally supporting him and loving him madly.

Does the holiday spirit shrivel with time?

I’ve sent out Christmas cards. The house is decorated. Christmas music and movies/episodes have been enjoyed. We plan to have a small holiday get-together.

But I cannot for whatever reason get into the holiday spirit.

Years prior, the holiday spirit was something within that burst outside of me and my husband. It was pure joy, happiness, warmth.

This represents how I used to feel around Christmas. Now it’s like this place doesn’t exist.

But this year, I’m miserable. And I don’t know why. He’s miserable, and he doesn’t know why. Instead of intense joy, our days are filled with annoyance with daily activities and other people. Instead of that warmth that used to come automatically in December, it’s just cold. Like our souls or spirits have been altered or put to sleep.

We’ve been looking forward to December all year, and to not have the happiness we were looking forward to is beyond disappointing.

For the first time in years, I have to WORK at being happy this time of year. And even that’s not going well.

I really hope this isn’t a consequence of getting older and getting further away from your childhood memories of the season.

Now, this isn’t a pity party. There are quite a few people with nothing for the holidays, and I’m grateful for everything that I have. Including:

· Wonderful loving husband
· Warm shelter in our home
· Vehicle
· Health
· Basic necessities and not having to worry about how to get them
· Ability to work on anything I want
· Freedom
· Loving family
· Nice neighbors
· Cute and playful dog
· Running water, clothes
· Ability to address minor inconveniences with ease

Considering all I have to be thankful for, I know my “feeling miserable” is unwarranted in the grand scheme of things. But thankfulness isn’t the same as the joy I used to have around Christmas.

We were looking forward to THAT feeling this holiday season. The type of happiness that only comes one time a year and overshadows anything else in the world.

It’s just a little heartbreaking that the holiday feeling we used to have hasn’t yet paid us a visit this year.

Becoming like Michelle Obama

Today I ordered “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. I love books, but don’t often buy them. I’m obsessed with libraries.

But I was excited to purchase this hardcover, and await its arrival scheduled for after Thanksgiving.

If only this book were a how-to guide

Michelle Obama is my role model. She is everything that I want to be, and has all the pure and unabashed qualities that I want:

· Grace
· Poise
· Style
· Captivation
· Presence
· Depth
· Pride
· Positivity
· Class
· Worthiness
· Dignity

She’s essentially royalty by the way she holds herself and treats others. She’s how I wish to raise my future daughters to be.

I find it difficult to emulate. When I try to be like her, I’m reminded of all of my terrible faults, insecurities, and past failures. All of my mistakes surface to my mind, and I feel like a wasted human life.

However, I’m putting her at the forefront consistently as inspiration and goal. I have a flawed past, I deal with terrible mental setbacks, and I’m my own worst critic.

But each day will be a day I can try to hold some of the revered qualities I see in her.

Shouldn’t I be running…faster?

This is the second full week of my continued running.

I’m glad I’m sticking to it. I’m especially glad that it’s slightly becoming a habit already. How do I know?

• I’m not making excuses. This week, I had a friend visiting us and I had to pick them up from the train station in the morning. But, I run in the morning. Instead of saying “Well, I have to get my friend in a couple hours, I can’t fit in a run”, I went to the gym to do a light workout and ran my mile.
• I’m going when I don’t want to. A couple days ago, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. But that nagging inner person I have kept saying, “We can sleep after the gym. We really want and need to run a mile today! We have to! There’s no reason not to!”

However, I’m still running around 14 minute miles! I do treadmill running, and can only set it comfortably up to 4.6 mph. If I go to 5mph, I feel like I’ll never make the mile because I’m too tired.

Shouldn’t I be running faster? Especially considering:

I’m not an Olympian, but shouldn’t I be running 12 minute miles at least?

– I’m not that old

– My diet has changed for the better this month. I’ve been eating what I need to (and what is recommended) for running to ensure I have enough calories, and have decreased my intake of sugar, salt, and unnecessary junk food items.

With my speed and above info, I’m thinking I should just start training for a 5k with a couch to 5k program. This would include walk/run intervals. The last 5k I did with a C25K program, I finished within 45 mins. So around 15 minutes a mile.

I want to ingrain my running habit, but now I also want to increase my speed at the same time. Maybe building up stamina with a C25K program will help on top of a daily mile.

That’s the hope anyways.

 

 

Why is productive habit building un-enjoyable?

Only a week into my “November New Year” good-habit goals and I’m here to say that I’m having a difficult go of it.

Yes, I ran a mile today and worked out. But I didn’t enjoy doing either. I was THRILLED when it was over and I could leave the gym.

So simple and so difficult to execute at the same time.

Yes, I’ve been writing daily for NaNo, but it’s a struggle to get the story going in an elegant pace. It’s like I’m writing the story as it comes to me, instead of knowing where to go in the first place. I have character and scene cards from a previous attempt, but writing the story unfold should be easier I feel.

Not to say that you HAVE to enjoy the road to obtaining your goals, but it seems like if I had that component, this would be a lot easier.

So why is building up a productive habit (like running, working out, and writing your goal novel) less enjoyable than a bad habit like sitting around watching NetFlix?

Perhaps because bad habits like being inactive with instant gratification is an easier decision, that get’s easier with time. Whereas productive habits requiring physical or mental exertion with much delayed gratification of accomplishment are harder, but potentially get easier with time.

If only it weren’t so! Because I’m in the beginning of good habit forming, and already I’m thinking it’s too difficult to maintain long-term.

But, I’m planning to continue the journey this month. Perhaps by Thanksgiving, I’ll find it easier and enjoy my good habit building more.

 

 

Running a mile daily is harder than novel writing

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I’m using November as my new year and taking on a few monthly challenges to build up some good habits.

While I’m finding that writing 1664 words for NaNo is getting easier (I’m up to 14k words so far for my novel including previous attempts), I will concede that running a mile daily is hard.

I’ve seen quite a few blogs where they say a daily mile is essentially nothing. And my goodness, it’s quite the opposite for me. I want to quit halfway through.

This is putting into perspective:

1. Just how out of shape I am. I’ve been sedentary for the last couple of years sitting behind a desk and falling deeper into my depression and inner realm of negativity, regret, and self-doubt.
2. Just how loud the “quitter voice” is. When I was at .55 miles on the treadmill, I kept telling myself that it was good enough and I should just stop because I was so tired. I didn’t. I did increase the speed so I could finish as quickly as possible.
3. Questions on why I want to run. A few years ago, out of nowhere I started running and trained for a 5k. It was just something that popped into my head. But, if I’m being honest, I really don’t like running all that much. I just like the sense of accomplishment at the end. After I run, I’m proud. I feel like I’m succeeding at something in life.
4. Going to the gym when I really want to stay in bed is already helping. I’m doing this to help break bad habits and build up new ones. This morning, I was EXHAUSTED and just wanted to stay in bed and read REDDIT. But, I reminded myself that neither of those things would do me any good in the short or long term, so I rolled out of bed and rode my bike to the gym to knock out the mile.
5. Personal goals are important. When I read the articles about how running a mile won’t do anything for weight loss or that it’s super easy, I try to remind myself that this goal is PERSONAL to me. It’s a challenge for ME that I have to work through. No words on the internet are going to help my physically, and I have to start (again) somewhere. 1 mile a day is where I’m starting this month. Maybe training for a 5k next month is doable, but I have to focus on doing what I said I was going to do.
6. I’m not nearly as depressed as usual when I get home. Granted, it’s only been a few days, but I’m noticing less negative feelings in the morning.

I’ve ran a daily mile now four days in a row. I’m currently around 14 minutes a mile. Maybe that time will go down, but right now, I’m focusing on getting this habit on track.

This month, a couple of good habits and the start of getting fit. Next month, who knows.

NaNo and Deadlifts: November is my new year

Instead of making a new year’s resolution in January, I’m starting this month. This way, I believe, enough momentum will be carried out to the first quarter of the year that I won’t be resolving to improve, but building upon what I’ve already started.

So, I’m doing a few things. Note, DOING, and not thinking about:)

1. NaNo. After reading so many bloggers participating in NaNo this month, I’ve decided to take the plunge. I thought about doing it a few years back, and I’m not making the right kind of progress on my novel as I’d like, so I figured this was the perfect time.  I’ll be writing 1164 words a day for

   

   Maybe not up steps yet, but this is the first time I’ve run in years.

   the novel. I have more than that written, so this is going to put me on track.

2. Run a daily mile. I used to run a few years back, trained and ran a race, and stopped after an acute stomach virus. And I found even less motivation when I was at my last job. But I got back to the gym today with the goal to run a mile and start working out. Went to a running shoe store, had my feet and gait reviewed, and bought some recommended kicks.
3. Weight training and classes. Started today by joining a new gym, and getting my work all-body workout and trained on the free weights. I’d been curious about dead-lifts for a long time, so I’m excited that I finally learned how to.
4. Networking events. So, these are somewhat difficult because of social anxiety, but I’m going to try to attend at least one networking event every week. There are a couple that I’ve looked into that start next week.
5. Mental Stop Signs. I’m going to try and utilize this technique my therapist suggested more this month. When the bad thoughts come, I’m going to try and just imagine a big STOP sign so they’re minimized or go away completely, leaving me to focus on something positive and productive.

Regarding number 5, yes, the bad thoughts definitely came to me today. But only later when I finally sat down. Retraining my brain from going down the negative paths is by far the hardest thing on this list.

However, practice makes perfect.

Distractions like running or writing help as well:)

Self-Confidence and her evil twin Self-Doubt

Sometimes, I believe myself to be a complete waste of space, devoid of any value or critical importance.

Other times, I have the utmost belief in my capabilities, and fully aware that I have the resources and experience to fulfill any of my dreams.

Self-confidence…Self-doubt. Terrible ride.

It’s a sea-saw that I absolute despise having to play on.

This dichotomy of confidence and defeatism is getting old. I hate having to go through the times of self-doubt and wade through it like a chest deep bog, and then being surprised by the almost surprise revelation that I AM capable.

It’s part of being human, but I have the suspicion that some humans are able to get past their self-doubt a lot easier than I am.

However, a wave of self-confidence has just begun, so I’m going to try to ride it as long as possible and get as much planned and/or accomplished before her ugly sister of self-doubt rears her head.

 

 

 

Is there a way to kill the inner-critic?

I have my own coping mechanisms for my inner critic.

Inner critic, always there when I’m trying to be productive.

Sometimes I ignore it.

Sometimes I provide counter arguments for why it’s wrong.

But jeez, sometimes I wish I could just kill the bastard completely!

I’m currently writing, and he keeps bothering me.

I wonder if long term writers have this same issue, or if their inner critic has completely shriveled up.